Less than a week ago, I found myself in the Academic Dean's office, getting ready to withdraw from Duke. As I walked towards his door, I remember my stomach feeling empty...it was not something I wanted to, but I felt like I needed to.
Since arriving, I went through a series of transitions, one of them being seeing a doctor at the Health Center. I was prescribed new medications. It also didn't help there was no AC and North Carolina was in the middle of a drought. I always noticed heat worsened any depression, made me angry and frustrated with myself, made me tired. Along with the new medications, I could not sleep. Ever. I was literally in bed for two hours a night. Even then I don't know if I was asleep, but flooded with sweat. Mornings would come eventually and I couldn't move my body. I had no energy to walk to the marketplace to eat or even to class. I just stopped going.
Really. No energy. At all. Not just tiredness or exhaustion, but every bone, muscle, limb, was limp. I stopped going to classes. I felt internally sick. My entire past came back to flood my thoughts every second of every day as I sat in the pounding heat of my room, doing absolutely nothing. I wished my mom hadn't passed away more than I ever had before, I hated my dad more and more for everything he put me through as well as my mother through. I even felt angry towards my older sister for not giving me support in all that went on. I missed my younger sister more than ever.
I couldn't exercise, something I had done for three years, every day. I couldn't pick up a book from the ground. I couldn't even type on the computer. I forgot where I was sometimes.
I needed to recover; there was no way I could even begin studying.
I went to the Dean. We talked about options for dropping a class, getting help, everything BUT withdrawing from Duke.
That day I met with several people. I talked to my financial advisor, to the director of the Wellness Center, Academic Affairs, CAPS, Academic Resource Center, Housing...
At times, when I was in someone's office I would make a reference to my location, and I was always wrong. I would find myself thinking I was on East Campus or in Page Auditorium when I was really in the building next to my dorm, the Wellness Center. Or I would tell the desk clerk I had a meeting at four when it was noon at the time, giving wrong names.
The medications/heat were really affecting me. I cried all the time, the meds made me gain weight and want to nap all the time, the heat exhausted me further. I felt no motivation, no desire to be here. I missed my math midterm, I didn't do my Chemistry Research Paper...it just wasn't like me.
After talking to everyone, I learned a lot about Duke...
There are so many resources but because it's so big, it's hard to know where to go to find them..
I did one right thing, talking to my Dean and Advisor.
I finally got medically approved for air conditioning. I finally filed for disability for my degenerative disc disease. I finally went to the gym to exercise. I finally walked to class. I finally had all the energy I remembered. I finally remembered I was in the French Family Science Center at 12:30, in the Biological Sciences Building at 11:15; I remembered I had a meeting at 8:00. I realized I was eating sushi at dinner.
I felt like I was on the road to recovery.
Key 1 (Rothschild): Mindfulness.
Buddha teaches four foundations for Mindfulness
1. Body- physical and energetic, somatic sensations
2. Feelings-emotional
3. Mind-thoughts and images
4. Dharma- interrelation of things in the world
Yesterday, I had all my homework done in time for class, I got a project done that's due this upcoming week.
As I walked back from FFSC to the Bryan Center, I felt overwhelmed by the beauty of Duke's campus. I laughed at the squirrels, and the wind. I fell in love, again, with the Gothic architecture of the Chapel. I admired the diversity of every student I walked by.
I walked into the Bryan Center, got a delicious Strawberry Oasis smoothie and hummus w/pita and got back to work.
Every time I drank a sip, however, I stopped working, to taste the strawberry and the chill of the smoothie.
Last night I gave myself the opportunity to practice mindfulness again. I got lemon cake gelato at La Vita Dolce cafe. I exercised to my favorite music, smiling the entire time; I think I intimidated the girl next to me who kept looking over at my workout summary. I just enjoyed it too much.
When I got here, I was so disappointed in the alcohol/partying scene. Women on campus are not anywhere near where they should be. I learned recently that women at Duke graduate with a significantly lower self-esteem than they came in with. This is the Peak? I have to say I've never had so much trouble fitting in. A lot of it comes from my past experience with my father I learned. I have alcohol/partying aversion haha.
But that's ok. Because I love being at Duke. I love the environment, I love the intelligence, I love the crowded buses, I love the long walks to class, and I love learning.
It's the first time in the past four years where the time has been about me and me only, parted from the rocks of life, at least till November. I guess that's a scary thought for me.
"The range of what we think and do is limited by what we fail to notice. And because we fail to notice that we fail to notice there is little we can do to change until we notice how falling to notice shapes our thoughts and deeds."
--R.D. Laing
