And...

I REALLY love being cold.

And.

I REALLY love the smell of library books.

Painful Admiration

Sitting in the children's section of Barnes and Noble on the reading stage, next to all the books I grew up reading...Berenstain Bears, Curious George, Clifford the Big Red Dog, Amelia Bedelia...

I see little girls with their mothers. "Mommy, read me this book." "Let me read YOU this book."

"Can I buy this book." "Mommy aren't you going to get a book, too? Pick this one, Junie B. Jones, Mommy."

I smiled, at all of them, but for some reason it hurt inside. I know it shouldn't have. At first I thought it was jealousy on my part, but the more I observed, the more I realized it was rather a painful admiration of the relationship between mother and daughter.

I remembered the time I was working as a barista and waitress at Jazz and Java coffeehouse, and a little girl came in for lunch with her mom. They ordered, and the girl was like, "No, mommy, I want to pay for you." And my eyes filled with tears, as my heart filled with appreciation for the girl's love towards her mother and wished I had the opportunity to do the same.

The laughter and smiles they share walking by me, looking through books, joking with one another..fills me with an empty but satisfying feeling, both at once.

They look at me, to find me glance back down at my books. Little do they know how I love watching their interactions, even in painful admiration.

Have you ever felt like you just don't belong?

This week...

I don't even know how to start...

I took medication, got weak and missed my first Chem lab..

scored low on my first Chem Midterm

struggled in Math...

was too weak, tired for endurance swim...

couldn't straighten my kyphotic back in Modern Dance I

went to a Chem help session and didn't understand what anyone was asking, other than particle in a box...

I went to my dorm to look up Duke. I don't know why...I guess because I wanted to know how I got in here..

For the class of 2012, 96% of admitted students ranked in the top 10% of their high school class....

Admissions Selectivity

Duke is one of the most selective universities in the United States. For the Class of 2014, the University received a record-setting 26,770 applications and admitted 14.86% of the applicants, marking Duke's most selective admissions cycle in the history of the University. Furthermore, Duke currently ranks among the ten toughest universities to get into, according to admissions data for the Class of 2014 from The Huffington Post. The Atlantic also ranked Duke among the most selective schools in the country. At the graduate level, Duke's admissions rates, like most universities', vary considerably based on school and program. Based on admission statistics from U.S. News and World Report, Duke's most selective programs include its law, engineering, nursing, public policy, medical, and business schools.

The University is organized into two undergraduate, ten graduate and professional schools, and seven institutes. In its 2011 edition, U.S. News & World Report ranked the university's undergraduate program 9th among national universities, while ranking the medical, law, public affairs, nursing and business as high as 6th and as low as 15th, all among the top 15 in the United States. Duke University is also ranked 14th in the 2010 QS World University Rankings.

I keep asking myself what in the world I'm doing here...I feel a lot of the time like I don't belong...

I just can't tell if that's really it...or if I still haven't coped with everything that's happened...I haven't given myself time to heal..

I just kind of jumped right in to a work load far beyond my current capabilities...

Just one of those days...

Yesterday was just one of those days...

Like a friend put it at dinner, "Half the school was sick from rave poisoning and blackouts and the other half sick from a widespread cold."

Friday night, no one slept. I stayed in and tried to get some work done because the upcoming week holds a paper, a midterm, my first lab, and a other stressful school work. I procrastinated week one. It's a new place! But even though I did not go to bed till very very late...I woke up early to get something done.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

It was a rather dreary morning..our first drizzle of rain at Duke...rather cloudy.

Really pretty actually, but just...lazy weather. I woke up and ate way too much...felt sick...went to round two of DefMo auditions...auditioned, interviewed, came back to my room to try to Skype with my sister. No luck. By then it was four-thirty.

Still couldn't do work.

I tried to go to the gym..just going up the stairs someone told me it seemed like my legs were tired. I went to the gym and came right back. I guess the walk there and back counted right?

I went to dinner, wasn't really hungry though. One because I ate too much brunch. Two, because I hadn't really moved much all day.

At dinner my friend reminded me it was September 11; she's from New York and wondered how it didn't even seem to affect people here...I told her how it's kind of sad that elementary schools do more for 9/11 than anyone else.

I came back to my room...to do work, of course. But I went to sleep.

That may have been just what I needed because I slept for almost ten hours.

I read a chapter this morning. It's a start. I guess I just needed a break.

BUILDING Endurance.

Today began really well except for my lack of sleep. I decided to drink a diet coke around 4, and I think my mind thought it was time to pull an all-nighter. I quit sodas after my senior year, this past summer. I had been consuming nearly two 2-Liters of Diet Mt. Dew every day. It was how I got everything done. That's a habit that you know you can't keep up for long.

Anyways, I'm getting off on a tangent. Speaking of tangent, first class was math. hah. I awoke with heavy eyes, but after my morning cup of butter toffee coffee from my lovely Keurig brewer, along with a maple walnut scone that I had saved from the previous day's brunch, I felt much better.

I walked to Math 31 and sat with my math lab buddies, new friends, Johnny and Dayvid. Class went really well. Leaving Math, I went to eat breakfast at the Marketplace.
It was Endurance Swim day. I ate up. I had a two veggie burger patties and a peanut butter sandwich with some strawberries, melon, and a grapefruit. A lot, I know, but when you're as active as I am food just disappears. Speaking of, I get hungry way too often. I'm not used to two meals a day, so I decided to make an English Muffin to go in case I got hungry after Chem and before E-swim.

Walking out, the lady at the scan-in table, told me I couldn't take food out of the cafeteria. A muffin! I knew kids always took pizza in zip-locs, and fruits in tupperware, and Shaoxin told me today that she knows people who take whole loaves of bread. It was just a muffin! We are hungry college kids.I think she just didn't like me too much. 

I apologized and left to go do laundry before Chem. Catching the 11 o clock C-1 bus, I got to West with plenty of time to spare, so I went to the health center and turned in some forms and sprinted to Chem 31.

By this time, my eyes were getting really heavy, but that's not uncommon for kids in chemistry haha. No one has a clue what's going on in there. It didn't help that I was tired. I was dreading E-swim. Need I remind you that most of the swimmers in there are triathletes or swim team members. I'm just a skinny girl that swims breast stroke for my degenerative disc disease.

Slowly, in attempt to hold on to every bit of energy I could (not to mention I skipped two days of swim physical therapy in order to have energy for today), I strolled to Wilson Gym. Grudgingly changed and went to the instructor.

"Are you sure you want me in here?"

"Esha, you have amazing coordination. And you have way more endurance than most people in here."

"But I'm awful at anything but breast stroke."

"Last time, I wouldn't have known that you had not ever tried any of those strokes! I want to work with someone that learns so fast. Really, you shocked me. I was very impressed."

Maybe that's all it took. A little encouragement. Because by the end of class I was loving it. I didn't want to leave. We warmed up and half the people were tired by the end of that. We timed a twelve minute swim to see how many laps we could swim in order to compare it to the end of the semester in December, any stroke.

I stuck with breaststroke, and to my own surprise I lapped twenty of the twenty-five yard laps, and the others around me lapped twenty one, twenty seven, and numbers that made me feel a little more comfortable. Granted, we had the record breakers, but I didn't feel so "un-belonging" anymore. I guess in my case it was more about endurance rather than speed. Freestyle, for sure, takes a whole lot more energy, so you have to take a break every so often. I didn't have to rest as much with breaststroke.

We then swam sixty second laps, worked on breathing, and some other stuff. When class was over, I stayed for about fifteen extra minutes. I did a few laps of freestyle, just to try. Then I watched the diving team for a few minutes. I am really proud to be going to Duke. We have amazing athletes. We have record breaking divers that I get to watch during endurance swimming, we have decathletes, triathletes, just amazing, talented people. We also have outstanding resources...for everything...

My instructor called me as I was leaving to tell me I did really well, and my freestyle was actually really good, way better than it was the first class. I felt a lot more comfortable in the water. I think I'm building endurance. Maybe by the end of the semester I'll be able to swim a tenth as good as Branson. hahaha :)

I really enjoyed it. I stayed at the gym for an extra thirty minutes to get my elliptical time in, and I was still full of energy, that is, until I got hungry. I stopped by Quenchers in the gym after my shower and got a protein smoothie with mango, strawberry, strawberry protein powder, and milk. It was amazing. They are known for their smoothies. You can get any fruit in any smoothie, with or without protein, some have chocolate and peanuts or oreos. I'm hoping to try another if I ever do as well in E-swim as I did today. It's like a personal celebration. hahaha.

I took the bus back to East to eat an early dinner because we have a mandatory dorm meeting in about thirty minutes to vote on our dorm leaders and whether the bathroom doors stay locked or unlocked. Things have happened in the past and for our safety, the bathrooms require a key to get in, but I must say it's really annoying having to find the key in the middle of the night with no contacts and my almost legally blind vision, put on shoes, and go down the hall to unlock the bathroom.

At dinner, sitting with other Epworthians, I figured out a way to get some food for later. I made two peanut butter sandwiches and grabbed an apple, wrapped the sandwiches in newspaper, and carried it alongside my laptop. I mean it when I say I get hungry all the time...like every three hours...even throughout the night. I gotta eat! I went to get a drink where I found a friend pouring soy milk into her container, and she told me about her roommates and others taking entire loaves of bread and fruit. All of us take food from the dining hall...it's just a skill I haven't mastered. I would be the one to get caught with a muffin. hahaha.

I walked out with my laptop, sandwiches, stopped by to sign up for Habitat for Humanity and returned home.

North Carolina Breeze

Okay, so when I got here, I complained about the heat, but I cannot describe how amazing the weather is. It gets more gorgeous every single day. My favorite part of the day is walking outside of my dorm every morning to the North Carolina breeze.

If I haven't already mentioned, I live with squirrels. Real ones. They sit outside my window on the trees; they run along my feet outside. I always thought squirrels were afraid of people, but the ones here don't seem to mind to share their home. They don't run away, in fact, I actually felt the tail of one.

I love my dorm, the way it feel so home-like. We are the only dorm with a porch. I feel like I could sit out there all day, especially in this weather. But because of the beauty of it, I would get nothing done, so I have to stay inside to do homework.

Today, I went to DefMo from 12 to 5 and learned some awesome dancing. Then I went for a short time to the gym.

I got back to my home and went to dinner with some of the kids in my dorm. That's another plus. Because there are so few of us, we are all very close. You won't see that kind of bonding from other dorms.

After dinner I walked back to Epworth to and heard my name being called. I looked up to find Lindsey and Titi on the balcony singing.

No one on campus really knows where or what Epworth is..it's that secluded. Sometimes when I meet people and they ask me what dorm I stay in, I say Epworth. They'll usually respond with, "Where's that?" or "I haven't heard of that." or "It really exists?" or "I can't believe I met someone from Epworth." or something of that nature. hahaha. I love it.

It was originally not meant to be a dorm, but it was originally called the Inn. It is the oldest, and only wooden dorm on campus, built in 1892. http://www.studentaffairs.duke.edu/index.php?q=rlhs/epworth

There are only about 50 rooms, and one air conditioned common room, so I don't think there's an Epworthian I have yet to meet.

I have to say, I am very lucky to have this dorm, despite the humid feel and lack of air conditioning. I was very worried at first, but I think I am beginning to feel very at home here.

On West

It began when I chose to walk from my math class to the bus stop near the bridge rather than walking all the way back to the regular bus stop. As the time passed, I was reading a sign about tutoring when a boy standing next to me asked me where I was headed. He had been smiling, a rather goofy smile, to tell you the truth. I thought he was a little odd. He asked me what classes I was taking, just as most new people I've met have, as well as the dorm I was staying in.

He asked me what brought me to his bus stop all the way from Epworth. I thought in my head, "what an odd question." I smiled and replied that "his" so called bus stop was simply closer to my math class that I had just left.

The bus arrived. He made sure to stand by me. I was beginning to understand.

"So where are you from?"

Mississippi.

"No, I mean like where are you from...I've never seen someone that looks like you."

Oh. My parents are from India.

"Really...?"

Yes.

"So have you done the Chem homework?"

No, I replied. I didn't mean to be short. It was just such an awkward meeting and by this time everyone sitting on the bus was watching us. We were standing and holding the rails because there were no more seats.

He just kept making small talk.

As the bus pulled up to West Campus and we got out and I began walking towards the Chapel.

"Wait, I don't even know your name!"

Esha.

"I'm Ryan. Can I at least walk you to class?"

Then you'll be late, I replied with a sincere smile and walked away.

Not the most interesting person, really. I could not taken anymore small talk for the ten minute walk. hahaha.

Tonight I went to my first Duke party. Or my first three Duke parties.

At dinner with some Epworthians, we made plans to go out to the 80's party on West....and the blacklight party....and another...

We took hours getting dressed and walked towards the bus stop. Antonio, Brooke, Becky, Emanuel, Matt, Melissa, Ben, Lindsey, and me.

Freshman in herds were fighting, pushing to catch every bus that came that was headed to West Campus.

We decided not to walk.

The nine of us decided to pack in one car. Highlight of my night, by the way. I sat in the trunk cramped with people from my dorm. We sang. Actually. haha. "Can we pretend that Airplanes in the night sky..." Piled on top of each other, sweating from the heat of summer, I actually really enjoyed those few minutes, as did the others.

We parked by the gym and walked towards the Upperclassmen Dorms where the parties were being held. We had already asked who would be drinking. Only three in the group.

The smell was awful, people were dressed horribly, but it wasn't bad yet.

We left the door of one party, stood around at the 80's party. No one was dancing. Everyone had the notorious red plastic cups.

We headed towards the blacklight party at Few Quad. I got the chance to know the group I was with and was very impressed. I stuck with them and did not join the others. We headed through the packed hall of crazy college students acting like fools and headed to one room to dance. And another. We danced in our group to "Low," "SOS" and some other well known songs. It was so hot. I don't think it was air-conditioned.

We kept dancing with our glow bracelets, laughing at how awful the drunk kids looked.

I asked two of the others if they wanted to leave early. We had fun, but we were done dancing, and we all cherish our sleep. We waited at the bus stop and got on the C2.

It was HILARIOUS. I've never seen people act so stupid. I wish I had a camera. The three of us sat there just laughing at the entertainment. Some looked as if they were about to vomit, some were still dancing...to no music, some were singing in their plastic cups, some were way too hyper. I have to say it was quite an experience.

As I got back to the empty dorm, I ran into a boy and a girl, definitely drunk.

"Hey," they said to me. "Where'd you go party? Where you going now? You have fun?

I just stopped by but I'm back and I had a lot of fun. I'm about to do laundry.

"Laundryy....so that'll be like an hour and a half right?.."

hahaha. These two were not from my dorm. Unless I'm mistaken, they wanted to use my room because they couldn't get into any others with everyone being gone. Luckily, I did my laundry before I left and was just picking it up from downstairs which I explained to the two.

Disappointed..."oh....she's smart..." the boy said to the girl...as they walked away. I just laughed and ran downstairs.

I have to say, I'm glad I went out. I enjoyed it. I do think, though, that's a one time thing for me. I got to watch the whole night as a comedy.

I met some really nice people from my dorm that I look forward to just hanging out with. We decided the three of us just definitely prefer relaxing. haha.

Endurance

No. not endurance like making it through endurance. Endurance swimming. I didn't realize I should have taken beginner swimming. Probably the hardest class I have ever taken; probably the hardest thing I have physically done.

Little did I know that everyone in there was part of swim team in high school or a triathlete.

There I was with the only stroke I knew: breaststroke.

My day began at 6:30 with classes at 8:30. Math 31. Flew by. Caught the bus to get to West Campus for my Bio Seminar in the Biological Science Building. Speaking of, I have to read a book called Omnivore's Dilemma. Lucky for me, I'm a vegetarian.

Walked straight to the Chem 31 class with hundreds of freshman. As I began to doze off from the lack of sleep I had last night, I heard an explosion. I saw the second explosion. I felt, heard, and saw the third. The room shook as the professor performed the experiments which I'm really glad I got to see.

Next stop. Endurance swim.

I got to the Card Gym/Wilson Pool, changed, and jumped in the freezing cold water.

I asked the instructor, "Are we doing the twelve minute test today?"

"No, I have a feeling everyone is going to be exhausted by the end of today...I have a feeling," she repeated.

"Am I going to learn how to free style today?"

She smiled.

The whistle blew. "Freestyle. Count your strokes."

!!!!!

I didn't know how to free style.

Breaststroke.

Butterfly.

Backstroke.

Some stroke she made up.

Dive.

Side stroke.

Kick.

Above the water.

Kick.

Feet first.

Flutter kick.

Drag.

Breathe.

I never knew when to breathe.

I probably inhaled more water today than I consume on a daily basis.

I struggled.

I made it.

I'm EXHAUSTED.

Toughest class. Ever. hahaha. Who would've thought.

I keep asking myself if I should drop out before I fail. Not a chance. Challenge of the year.