I remember the nights the music would blast in the living room--the way the four of us would dance and laugh with nothing on our minds but the moment. I remember the way we would go through the couches, through our pockets, through the entire house just to find all the change we could. We would go to the Kroger coinstar to make cash to enjoy the pleasures of shopping or eating at Taco Bell or Applebees. I remember the way she would wake me up if I went to bed before midnight because I needed to be more "teenage-like." I remember our midnight escapade to Back Yard Burgers for peach cobbler.
I remember the way birthdays were always important. I remember the way when there was nothing to eat, she would combine all the condiments in the kitchen and fixed the most wonderful, aromatic dish I could have yearned for. I remember the nights that we got our comforters and lay the stars. I remember how she told me that I studied too much and needed to learn to enjoy life a little more. I remember when home was a place of comfort.
I remember her smile, that smile that could make anyone's day. We wondered, my sisters and I, how she always smiled through depths of adversity.
I remember her wanting to come watch me as drum major but never being able to. I remember her tears from the back row at my choir concert. I remember her excitement about my participation in the Beauty and the Beast musical and how she tried to become a patron just to see her name in the program. It was in the program; she never got to see it. I remember her forcing me to play in the rain. I remember her telling me that I was supposed to stay up all night and fall asleep in school because that was the "normal" thing to do. I remember wanting to tell her all about my band trip and so much more.
I miss the days she got mad when I chose studying over feeling the rain entrench me. I miss her peeling oranges for me late at night to make me feel better. I miss the hidden chocolate she always seemed to have when I was stressed. I miss her making me stay home from school if I was sick. I miss her hugs, her laughter. I miss her singing "Dont cha wish your mama was hot like me?" in the car and driving me crazy. I miss her dancing in the mirror. I miss the days my sisters and I would look in the mirror, and she would ask who the most beautiful was, of course, it was always her, though we argued it. I miss us dancing to "All I Want for Christmas" in the living room, and her teasing me when I sang that song.
I miss her beautiful singing voice ringing through the house at random times of the day. I miss her spontaneity. I miss the way she made life so bright and our house so happy, regardless of what she endured. She always smiled no matter what, her most beautiful smile, a smile that hid every negative emotion she faced. Her smile was her strength. She lived through her smile. On me, she left an impression that would affect me for a lifetime--that smile of the most beautiful woman I could have ever had the chance of knowing--Mom.
Only five years ago, she was thrilled about my older sister's graduation. As I stared at the picture, I realized as my eyes filled with tears, she is the reason for who I am today. She is the reason I fight whatever comes my way. She is the reason I have accomplished so much. She showed me to care for others, to better the lives of others. She showed me the beauty in life. She filled me with endurance. I know that when I walk across that stage at graduation in two weeks, my mother's smile will be the only thing on my mind. It is my strength, my heart, my everlasting inspiration.
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