It's Time...

So many people have asked me how I made it through everything. How I was able to see all that, feel all that and do so well. How I was doing so well.

For the first time in the past four years, I've realized that I can't just pick up the phone and call parents. I've realized that there are memories deep within me that I haven't shared with a single soul. I've realized that I have fears I've never thought of. For the first time in so long, I feel like I'm being woken up.

Describing the way I felt in high school to someone, she worded perfectly what I was trying to say...it's like when an animal has run and run from its predator but has been captured. About to be eaten alive, the animal shuts down...he doesn't want to feel the incisors of his massive predator digging deep into his flesh...the animal stops "being there" in a way...stops..feeling...

I have very little actual recollection from high school. Every time someone asks me about it...I just know that I had a wonderful support system, both teachers and peers that kept me going day to day...but actual memories, I yearn to recall...

If I didn't have facebook pictures from Homecoming, prom, graduation, I don't know if I would even know what went on.  

It's like I lived in a haze, making it through day to day, just..being...

I thought I was fine. I didn't actually think of the happenings around me...I cried, I feared, I struggled, I felt...but I didn't actually feel...I never took the time to absorb...just ups and downs and ups and downs...until today.

It's like I realized for the first time today so many things that I had never taken the time to think about....and...

I realized...that I'm not really ok...

Not yet, at least...

I think it's time to start working on my recovery...for a change...