Haven't written in a while. Here goes...
I've found since my frequency of writing has slowly diminished, my quality of writing has followed. I go back and read my 2010 posts, and I wonder where those inspirations came from. My dreams/nightmares/experiences. Or so I presume.
At one minute I am happy. An ephemeral moment at that. And the next, I am in pieces, trying to figure out why I have not gotten myself together.
Accepting PTSD--post traumatic stress disorder. The term, made up of several concepts, the core of which is stress.
Anyone that I ever get in a relationship with would have to know about this if it were ever to work, I guess.
Simply put, stress is the body's response to any demand, good or bad--lesser and greater degrees.
The demands of trauma cause the most extreme stress responses. In a way, I should be desiring my response to traumatic stress. I was able to freeze, dampening the impact of all that has and is to come. Although I appreciate this response, I feel like my high school life was a blur. I have trouble remembering memories that may have meant so much to me. I have trouble remembering my relationships with other people. Yet, I was protected, and survived along, channeling all I had into my schoolwork. I have found, however, that this mechanism is short-lived. It no longer shields me from emotions, from hardship, from further stress. School can no longer act as my escape. What once worked for me, now is fading, and here I am left standing...
feeling alone. helpless. exhausted. confused. overwhelmed.
to say the least.
Simple acts of second-nature now require much more attention on my part. I have to consciously remember to have my keys, my phone, my wallet. I have to consciously remind myself to eat. I have to remind myself a million times over that I have an appointment tomorrow, that I still miss.
Triathlons aside, I can hardly bring myself to run a mile anymore.
I can hardly remember how to began playing the piano I once poured my heart into.
I can hardly sing without remembering my mother and my voice fading away as tears take over.
I can hardly sleep without flashbacks, nightmares, all remembrances of fear I once had.
I feel every emotion that I once was able to numb, I am feeling now...all at once.
Overwhelming
doesn't even begin to describe.
I don't think anyone blames you for being overwhelmed. It is a natural feeling that anyone and everyone has had. What is important is that you keep focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. Things may seem unbearable and sometimes downright impossible, but they're just obstacles put in front us. The attitude, in which, you approach it determines just what the final outcome may be.
ReplyDeleteLife can be rough and knock you down... it may shadow your world, making it seem like that light you adamantly search for is beyond reach. Trust me when life rears its fickle head, nothing is harder to combat.
At times it may appear to you that the world is out to get you. It may appear that there is no end in sight. It may seem like no matter how hard you try it is a losing battle. Life sometimes harshly and inexplicably creates moments that appear never ending and impossible to navigate through. And it makes believers into non-believers and achievers into quitters. You see without that light, that hope that so many forget about, life's hardships will act as quicksand and slowly bring you all the way down.
Life's clouds of doubt, are nothing more than that... clouds that darken your spirits. It's knowing that the clouds and the rain that they bring upon you may seem unendless, but not forgetting the light that comes afterwards. That light is what we should hold on to, and not overlook its beauty. Your light will shine through, as long as you can weather the storm and push through it.
So many people look up to you and believe in you. Don't undervalue yourself and don't EVER forget that you are strong and resilient. Keep singing and keep playing the piano, because soon enough... the rays you valiantly seek will illuminate your world. It's okay to cry, it's okay to forget things, it's okay to mess up... because when you are successful it'll be much more gratifying.
Live your life Esha, not being afraid to fall, don't shy away from the difficulty of PTSD and surgery... welcome it, because it is your opportunity to one day be able to bask in the brightness you've ultimately created.
Love you lots and I'm proud of you