Broken Tears- On Cheating

    Growing up, I never understood why my father never lived at home.  He would mix up our names, forget our birthdates and ages, and I can’t say he was ever home for things like New Years, Christmas, Thanksgiving, or anything else for that matter.  I, as a young child, would ask him to come to my choir concert or awards day.  I wanted to see my mother and him together when we went to Indian festivals.  I wanted us to go on family vacations, all of us. 

     I remember yearning for him to hold my hand, to carry me, to give me a piggyback rides like I saw my classmates’ fathers do.  I followed him around everywhere.  He stayed about an hour away from us in his motel, not that he had any customers.  I would go there and try to spend time with him.  I would get mad at Mom for not letting me, and my stubbornness always won.

    There were days when I remember standing next to my father and other strange men while they smoked packs and packs of Marlboro Reds.  Other days, I worked at the cash register of the gas station thinking I was getting to help him, while he slept on the rolling bed in the back.  By the age of twelve, I knew everything from Black and Milds and Swisher Sweets to the Budweiser bowling pin bottles and all prices associated.

    When I went to sit on the computer in his office to play my favorite game, Snake, I would find pictures and videos that no child should ever have to see.  I asked him to take me to eat, and he would tell me he had no money.  I would take his Heineken bottle and throw it on the ground or pour it down the sink to stop him from getting drunk…again…and then brace myself to get yelled at.  Yet, he conveniently got his next bottle. 

    Soon enough, I would see chat messages pop up on his computer from some lady or another.  The older I got, the more I saw, and the more I understood.  My older sister by then had left the house for Mississippi School for Math and Science, and I thought finally I would get some attention from my mom.  I soon learned that my father had kept several girlfriends since before he even brought Mom to the states.  Some of them were her friends, some were across seas, some worked for the business we had.  He was pretty open with her about all of it, but there were always excuses to leave the country,  “I have this business idea…” or “I’m going to see my father.”  My mom sold every bit of what she had for him.

    There was one woman in particular whom I could not bear to hear of.  I saw how much it affected my mother.  All of it.  This had just become the last straw. The woman worked for us in the motel, with my father.  They had met out of state somewhere and my father told her to come to Mississippi. 

        He, my father, went between the two places, work and home every weekend or so.  I remember growing hatred for this woman.  When she dared to call our home, I picked my clarinet and blew the most obnoxious notes into the phone and then hung up. 

    The woman was soon pregnant, and we were getting a new brother.  Mom knew my father always wanted a son, and he had been upset at each birth of my sisters and me.  I walked outside to the backyard one morning where I found her sitting in our massive, empty backyard.  She broke the news to me with a forced smile.  I ran inside to my room to cry.  I never understood why I never saw my mother cry after all she was put through, so I felt ashamed to do so in front of her.     

    There was a time I remember vividly when the two of them came to our home.  They slept together in the master bedroom, along with the baby.  My mother, who’d drunk a little for the first time ever, crawled up the stairs and came to sleep next to me.  She was silent.  But she didn’t have to say a thing to me.  I just knew.  No one could blame her.  I turned to hug her and fell asleep.

     My older sister was graduating MSMS.  My mom drove my younger sister and myself up to Columbus, MS.  She had gotten off work from our gas station and was in a foul mood.  A very foul mood.  My mother and the woman had gotten in an argument over bringing the baby to graduation.  My father arrived six hours later with scratch marks all over his chest, without the baby.

     I remember a time I was at home and my father was sitting on the couch drinking his Chai.  I asked him, “Daddy, can you stay home tonight?”  My father told me he hated staying with us because the house wasn’t clean.  I spent the rest of the day cleaning the entire house from the attic to the garage.  He didn’t stay. 

    I watched him leave with feelings of disgust, bitterness, hatred even.  My mother had to go through this for how many years? I asked myself… 

   Cheating.

    I will never understand why a person would act on an urge without thinking of all the repercussions that come along with cheating on a significant other.  The more people I meet, the more I hear of people being cheated on.  And it's not just guys doing all the cheating; the gap isn't high at all.  Not to mention, having children is no deterrent.

    There's temptation in the workplace, at parties, while you've been drinking, all over the place.  SO many of those in the military have been cheated on during their deployment.  Really?  While they are fighting overseas for you?  We see celebrities cheat on one another all the time, costars usually.  Their characters must fall for each other or something.  Just because it happens, and just because it's becoming more prevalent does not in any way make it okay.  Cheating has never been okay, is not okay, and never will be okay.  

   I assume the internet is the number one temptation.  It's never been easier to meet so many people all across the internet...chat rooms, dating websites, pornography, social networking sites, etc.  A huge problem I have seen in relationships is not setting boundaries.  What is considered actually cheating?  If the couple does not share the same opinions about what boundaries to hold, they probably should not be in a relationship.

    There are many grey areas, pornography being one.  Upon searching cheating I found many pieces of advice, comments, opinions, etc....some I agree with, and some not so much.  For this area in particular, I will link you to Dr. Phil on that one.  ------------> definitely a good read:
 Is Internet Pornography Cheating?  http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/54

I have a lot of respect for this man, and he has a lot of really good advice regarding relationships and cheating.  So for those of you in relationships where this has been/is/will be a problem, I highly suggest reading through this and other articles he has written about evaluating your relationship.

     As a young child witnessing an unfaithful relationship, I am absolutely terrified of relationships.  This is a recent introspection on my part.

     I have trouble with trusting someone.  I have insecurities.  I'm terrified of being treated how my mother was treated.  I never saw a loving, wholesome, functional relationship growing up.  Sure, all subconsciously...However if I, as someone who has never been cheated on struggles having a successful relationship, then someone who has been cheated on... think how much the person doing the cheating has conquered.

     Furthermore, cheating on someone to get back at someone is the most self-degrading, devaluing think you can do, not to the other person, but to yourself. 

     For those of you cheated on, the worst thing you can do to yourself is stay in contact with that person.  You fall into this "victim mentality" and are giving more and more power to the person that has hurt you.  You can't torture yourself with pictures of the two of you (detag and defriend on facebook...block even), keeping up with his or her relationships, calling, texting (don't even keep the number!), keeping anything that reminds you of him or her, and I'm sorry but you can't be just friends.
    Why would you even want the friendship of a person like that? More power to the cheater.

    I wish there were more advice I could give to those of you who have been cheated on, but I've been very fortunate.  While I have been through more than I can describe in life, I have never experienced what you have.  I nearly did, and I had wonderful people in my life that protected me from getting hurt.  I can't say I know what you're going through, I can't say I know what to say or how you feel, but I can say that it's not worth staying in a relationship like that.  There's no "I'm sorry, it won't happen again," or "baby, I'll change," or "I wasn't thinking.  It just happened."  You deserve someone that values who you are, loves you for everything you do, would never want to hurt you, and goes out of his or her way to make sure that doesn't happen and make sure you feel secure and loved in the relationship.   

 Once a cheater, always a cheater.  

There are seven billion people in the world, and there will always be someone better for you.