She stepped out of the warm relaxing bath she had drawn for herself and
sat on the edge of the bed to sooth her skin with that lotion, the one that
smelled of lavender and chamomile, the one that melted away her stress and
signaled her that evening was winding down.
There was something about the smell of it that sparked memories of
moments in her life…she had used it every day in that time-frame...when she was with him.
She embraced her slender frame and lay down,
eyes still open. “What went wrong?” she thought to herself as she stared
blankly at the cord that dangled from the ceiling fan.
She remembered the collection of notes she kept hidden under her bed. Reaching over and recovering it from the
wooden box of memories…it was still so difficult to let that binder go. It had been far too long and brought only
bittersweet memories. In her decorative
eighth grade handwriting she’d written on the cover his name and her own name…Together
Forever….Amor Vincit Omnia…
Without opening it, she shut her eyes and held it close.
She remembered one of their
first encounters….as kids…seeing each other outside in the neighborhood…she
giggled as she thought of how she wrecked his beloved blue dirt bike, after
begging him to let her try it. She had convinced him she had a dirt-bike herself at home…the scar was still there.
Surely she had since been in love
once again. Her mind sped through the
bad memories, the weeks of tears, the hurtful words she felt….the glass
shattering—and the heartbreak.
They had grown apart now….
She’d never been able to feel so many emotions at once for anyone. Her chest rose and collapsed as she exhaled
deeply.
She relieved her painful
snapshots by the thought of her first hug with him, her first kiss with him,
her first kiss ever…the first time
she had gotten those butterflies she’d always heard of…
Opening the binder, she looked at the drawing of herself he had sketched
long before they were together…with the little speech bubble—I’m nnnot
perfectttttttttt. She found humor in the
made-up contract they had signed promising to keep secrets between only the two
of them. She pulled out their one year
anniversary letter he had written …on that glossy decorative paper. Without reading it, she returned the contents
to the binder and placed it below her bed.
A ghost of a smile crossed her lips, as she remembered the moments they
would lie in the hills behind his house and stare at the sky, talking of life and of love,
planning their future together.
She let her thoughts drift through good memories and bad; she had so
many questions…so much to understand.
It’s been years... Am I always going to wonder what if?
What
if I had never left him…
What if I had given him that second chance…
What
if I never feel like this about anyone….
I have, though, haven’t I?
A part of me wonders if these bittersweet
feelings mean anything. I’ve grown so
much since then, as a person, as a sister, and as a friend. I am not longer that young girl, and he not
that same boy. Once so naïve, so loving,
so youthful….We’ve grown so far apart.
Do
I miss him, or do I miss what once was?
Yes, I suppose I do yearn for the years in
my life that were somewhat “normal,” with a family, and my mother. I miss the days where I could just be that carefree
young girl who danced in the rain…who knew mom would always be there…who didn’t
come home to an empty house…. I wish for
that pure happiness that I felt. I need that
confidence I had in my talent, my abilities, my character… in myself.
Maybe I just want that part of myself
back…that innocence.
What if what was never will be?
With a heavy heart, she got out of bed
to walk outside. It was a beautiful day, humid, but that was expected as always. She plopped down next to the driveway.
It was always outside that she was able
to understand herself….away from distractions, away from the emptiness of the
dreary house…just in the midst of the outside world…it was outside she found
herself most in tune with her emotions.
She found nature to be that comfort that
she so longed for …
She thought through her questions.
Realizing the truth in her reflections,
she fought back tears. It wasn’t him at all.
He was merely a symbol of that part of
her life….when she was safe and cared for...and it wasn’t just her against the
world.
She
knew it would never ever be the same.
She let out a sigh of relief as she
hugged her knees…she began to recognize her beautiful, pure surroundings…
She
removed herself out of her thoughts, into the now. She hadn’t realized it had begun to
rain, not that it mattered. Emptily gazing out…she watched,
felt…and let it consume her.
And with that moment, that revelation….
she was finally able to let go.
No comments:
Post a Comment