One Last Time

There are good days and bad days, happy days and sad days, days I laugh and days I cry, days full of hope and days of one disappointment after another, days I feel empowered and days I drown in pain. 

I miss my mom every day, but there are days missing her doesn't justify it and all I want is to just see her smile, or feel her touch, or hear her voice, just hear her one more time, hear her assure me everything will be okay. 

 I want to feel her presence, even if only one last time.  So that I can show her the woman I have become, that she has made me.  I want to feel her presence.  So that I shall not sleep feeling lonely, empty.  I want to feel her presence.  Feel cared for and secure.  Feel a glimpse of hope and future happiness.  Feel...at peace. 

 This is one of those days...I crave my mom's love.  Unexplainable love....Devoted. Sacrificial. Endless. Unselfish. Forgiving.  Unconditional.  So pure.

A mother's love, irreplaceable by none, but capable of replacing all others.  It never fails nor falters, dissipating the clouds of darkness.  The only thing in this world I trust to not hurt me. 

Mom...such a beautiful, magical word to my ear, my mind, my soul. 

A teacher, adviser, truest friend, and inspiration

Mom...once my home...she is now to me nature, the sun, the soil, the wind, the deepest waters. 

Sometimes I fear my mother becomes, day by day, more of an idea...the idea of having a mother.  And that does not do her life justice.  She, unlike anyone I know, led life so differently.  She showed me the things that really mattered, love, family, nature.  In many ways she prepared me for what was to come, but never did I think I would not have her at prom, at graduation, all through my teenage years.  I never thought I would not have her take me to college and remind me not to study too much as she did when I was young.  I never thought I would never get another bite of her home cooked Indian food. 

My heart cannot fathom all that has past, all that has changed.  It amazes me how in the blink of an eye, a sudden fatal accident, how life can fall into a million pieces.  But I never knew this is what she had been preparing me for all along. She raised me as an independent child, no "mom, where's ___" or "I need ____."  She made sure I knew how to shop with absolutely nothing.... and I learned never to buy a dress over ten dollars, and yes, it's possible.  She always radiated confidence through her smile, even though we knew inside she was hurt over and over and over by a husband like hers, and reminded me to always dress how I want to feel.  She taught me long before she left that life was not going to be easy. 

And I just want her to know who she has made me, all that I am because of her.  I want her to be proud of me and know that her life did not end without having made a difference.   I know not why it was always so hard for me to say "I love you," but I can only hope that she knew that she was all that mattered to me.  I want her to know that the shopping center she had been wanting for years in Ridgeland was there, I know petty, but she couldn't have been more thrilled. 

There's so much I wish to say and show and share.  I want her to know that even though she always worried about my baby sister, that Avani has become an amazing and beautiful young woman, insightful and mature.  I want her to know that her first child is in a matter of months going to have an M.D. at the end of her name.  I want her to know that she has started to finally make us a part of her life.  I want her to know that my sisters and I are closer than ever and appreciate one another. 

I want her to see I no longer am picky about food and by not having it at times in high school makes me appreciate every bite I get.  I want her to know I'm driving now and that there is one more person having income.  If only I had been older then, I know I could have made her life far easier. 

I could write forever on my mother, and everything I write is influenced by all that has refined me.  If I had another day with her, I could talk forever about all I have experienced since I was on the verge of fifteen years old.  But I guess right now all I want is to be embraced by her and reminded that everything will be okay.

I just want to feel my mother's comforting love...one last time.