Dear Mom,
You have left so much of yourself in your three daughters, and we each live every day in remembrance of your strength and love of life. You would be really proud of Anu and Neha. Anu is seventeen now and has become a beautiful, kind young woman. She means the world to me, and I promised I would look after her...you cannot even begin to imagine what kind of person she is now. I know she will change people's lives when she puts her heart into something.
Neha's finally in the last few weeks of medical school, and she'll be going to Massachusetts for her residency soon. I know you always wanted to see her get her M.D., and she has not just made it through, but has flourished into a compassionate, dedicated student and will be an amazing doctor. I can vouch for that. I've been to doctors upon doctors for the past seven or eight years of my life, and I know what qualities I would look for in seeking a physician. After my back surgery, Neha took care of me for about a month every second night and day. She stayed with me in the hospital and did everything I could have asked for and more.
You know, the first few years after we lost you, Mom, we were broken. Anu and I were at home, and we fought a lot. Neha just kind of left our lives before you left and in about six years, I saw her a small handful of times. She couldn't really understand what Anu and I dealt with, dad, the haunting memories, the house without your livening spirit, just the whole environment. And we were unable to connect with her. We lost the glue of our family, you, of course. Anu and Neha couldn't handle being within a fifty foot radius from one another, and I had my moments with both of them. Looking back, we were torn apart and were dealing with things differently. We didn't have the strength to deal with each other, let alone ourselves.
But now, Mom...I couldn't imagine my life without Neha and Anu. I can't even begin to tell you how much they mean to me. For years, all I've been trying to do is bring us together...I mean, we're all we have left, right?. We've sometimes gone months without talking to one another, and a year or two without seeing each other. Now, we miss each other and get tears in our eyes when we have to say goodbye. Sometimes Neha lets me stay with her now without kicking me out. Anu knows she can call me for anything. I'm able to have heart to heart conversations with Anu, and at times, Neha. Neha shows that she cares about me and my happiness. It's all just...the relationship among us is now strengthening faster than ever. And what brought us together is you.
For years in college, I was jealous of friends who could just call their parents at home when things were hard or when they needed something. I yearned for a place to call home to go to for breaks and keep my things. I had to find someone to help with my health conditions. I needed some guidance, and I also needed a reason to keep going. And my sisters are all the reason that I am who I am right now. They are the closest thing to home I have, not in a physical sense, but I feel somewhat at home when I am near them. They stand by me, my decisions. They give me guidance, and they also look up to me. For that, I know that I can't let them down.
You know, every year since your accident, I've dreaded my birthday. Bad things just always seem to happen then. And I blamed myself for years, thinking, "if only she wasn't preparing the house for my party," "if only she didn't have to be on the road that morning," and so many other "if's." But now I realize that sometimes there's nothing you can do to stop something from happening. There's no way to ever really discern what could happen from what will actually happen. I've stopped blaming myself, and it's made all the difference. Even though, my birthday, well, my birth week, is always sad...and the whole month of April along with the weeks of March leading up to it are so depressing...this year, it seemed a little less gloomy. I'm starting to feel a little more at peace, but I know that it will still take time. I know you would want me to celebrate. I know what you'd want, but I also know that six years is nothing. I don't think people really realize that...not even myself. When it comes to losing someone, time can lessen the pain, but you're never really okay...at least not for a long time. And I don't think I'm anywhere close to that, but I can say this year has been a good start. For me, a "little less gloomy" is a huge step.
Every time there is someone special in my life, whether it's in my love life or my friendships, I always wish he or she could have known you and vice versa. You're such an important part of who I am. I am so proud to call you my mother...through all the bad things we went through as a family you were still the mother you were...strong, resilient, selfless, courageous, and a number of other qualities you passed along to us.
Mom, we miss you so much. We will never stop missing you, and we will never forget you. I still talk about you like you're here with me. Everything reminds me of you and that to me is a blessing.
We all have times when we look like you, talk like you, act like you...Neha does those dance moves like you and is just as superstitious, Anu walks just like you and I see you in her every time I look at her, and I find myself having many of your tendencies, both good and not so good. But I love that I can see a part of you in each of us.
Anyone that loses a mother is filled with a void of love and lost memories, but you, although your accident was sudden and none of us had time to come to terms with your passing, you still had the chance to leave us the greatest gift we could ask for...each other.
You're always loved, remembered, and cherished...forever in our hearts.
Goodnight, Mom.
Your middle child,
Esha
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