There are three times a year that affect me on levels I can't even begin to understand. Her birthday, Christmas, and March/April. I can have no idea what day it is or what month it is, but my body knows. It still responds. I get sick, feel exhausted or depressed, want to just sit and cry, don't want to interact with anyone, like to stay in a dark corner of my room, find it hard to focus....
I know my little sister feels it too because it seems like our bad days line up with one another's.
I was doing SO well being back at school. I was happy and social and loved my classes. And then I saw my psychiatrist about my nightmares. We tried a little EMDR and found really painful memories I can't bring myself to acknowledge. That was Thursday. Friday, yesterday, and today have been overwhelming as far as emotions go. I didn't go to two of my classes Friday. All I wanted to do was be away from everyone.
It's times like these when I am simply a recluse. People can walk by me and I can make eye contact and not recognize there's a person there. I don't recognize people I know. It's not that I don't want to.
The EMDR is helping I'm sure, but it is tough to get through. There's a reason I bury some memories, and I still don't think I'm ready to get to them. I know I have to in order to get better, but I guess.....I'm scared. Of what I don't remember. Of whatever I've locked up inside. Of myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment