I came across something, stumbled upon it. It hurt me; it upset me. I'm having trouble focusing on anything because I can't let go of this one haunting thought. But the only person I want to talk to right now, the only one I feel comfortable talking to about this, is my mom. It's very rare that I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I mean, I have a psychiatrist and fantastic friends and sisters...I'm really lucky to have such a support system. I just really feel insecure...and a little worried...and really, really sad. And it's not something I want to talk to anyone about; I don't want anyone to see me like this because I honestly haven't felt anything of the sort for over a year now. I've been doing really well...I'm doing my physical therapy 3-4 times a week, I'm almost to that one year post-surgery mark, I've been doing EMDR and other forms of therapy for my PTSD weekly, and I'm being more social than I've been able to be in a while. I've been very positive until just recently.
I feel like sometimes I am playing this role in life, and that somewhere my real self is hiding and lonely. I am desperately trying to find some semblance of comfort. Really, I just want to talk to my mother. I'm not a child anymore, though. I had my mother till just before I was fifteen, and I'm lucky to have had her. But I'm 21 now, and I should be my own person, a woman. I shouldn't need a guiding hand or someone to 'complain' to. I just don't know where to look for answers. I feel selfish for just wanting her advice, her care, her love. I feel selfish for needing her for my own self-esteem. I feel selfish for yearning for a hug from her. I keep reminding myself that she's not suffering anymore. Her life isn't difficult anymore.
How am I supposed to feel, or rather, how do I get past this?
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