Cats & Dogs

It's almost five in the morning here in North Carolina, and I cannot even begin to dose off.  It could be due to several factors, one being pain and the other being the living situation.  That is definitely eating at me more and more every day.  I'm not fond of cats and dogs are okay, except every time I walk upstairs, whether it's in the bathroom or the hallway or the staircase or....my bedroom, there's cat vomit...everywhere.  And then there's the dog that goes in the cat's litter box; I have to say, watching the dog eat the cat's poop ruined my appetite for dayyysss.  And I run away every time she comes to lick me.  I'm sorry; it grosses me out because I know where that tongue has been.  There's an overwhelming smell, and I feel uncomfortable at all times.  I wash my hands so much that they've become dry, and my skin has begun peeling.  I can't even step out of bed on to the carpet without wearing shoes...sure our feet are supposed to experience all that, but I've become really weird about having to have my hands and feet clean.  I just want to be barefoot.  Socks won't work because I feel like things seep through.  I'm pretty sure I wash my hands more times than most people do in a week and my showers have become three a day, to rid that smell.  My luggage...oh yeah, the cat vomited on one of my luggage bags.  Disgusting, I know.  I won't touch my luggage. 

Surprisingly, something like this, which I feel should be such a petty problem compared to some of the things I experience, is really making me crazy.  I actually had to go to my psychiatrist to talk to her about how much it bothers me that I will never have that place where I can just feel "at home."  I feel terrible because such wonderful people let me stay at their houses.  The first house I went to, the environment was just depressing, and here, I like the environment, but I can't handle what to most people would be a trivial problem.  I guess I'm just really not an animal person. 

I see a medium-sized cockroach on the wall.  Perfect timing, right?.....

*goes to kill roach*

Okay, I'm back.  It's dead and lying on top of the movie/book cabinet in my room.  I wonder if there are more...that's the first I've seen.  Definitely throwing that shoe away.

So when I go to shower, I wear my shoes into the bathroom and step one foot out of the shoe and into the tub.  Then the other foot steps out and into the tub.  Now this requires balance and considering I'm two months post-surgery, it is still kinda a difficult feat for me.

And then when I leave for a few days if I go out of town, the door is left open allowing the cat to come in this room, that she once claimed, as she pleases.  So I get home and my bed is covered with cat hair and guess what's all over the floor...yeah.

I've bought Febreze and scented oil plug-ins and have done all I can manage.  I haven't been as down as I am today in a long, long time.  And obviously this isn't the only thing; this just makes me a little psychotic and pushes me over the edge.

There's the pain...as I try to taper off the Oxycontin.  Lying down is no longer a position of comfort.  If I'm not walking, then I'm in unbearable pain.  But it's too cold to walk, sometimes there's snow or sleet and normally I love the freezing weather. 

I also miss my mom....a lot.  And having a home.  And knowing that there's always someone that loves you unconditionally.  I miss having a decent self-esteem, when I doubt myself.  I just want her reassurance.  And being able to pick up the phone and call for any reason.  But then again, I always miss her and I'll never stop.  It's just some days more than others, when everything seems to be in pieces.  She was like the glue to everything, especially our family.

Reapplying to Duke is another.  I haven't been this overwhelmed about applications since senior year in high school when I decided two days before deadline to apply to college.  I was like what am I doing?!  I thought I would stay and raise my younger sister through her high school years, but thankfully that situation worked out.  And here I am.  Pushing deadlines.  Do I renroll for summer session I or II?  Or do I wait till Fall?  Do I do Duke in NY to get my credits towards my major?  Do I switch majors?  Do I want to still be pre-dental?

And financial issues, nothing new there.  I job searched for five hours (not in one sitting) today to find a full time job.  I don't make as much as I need to be making working the jobs I am right now.  I've tried thinking of get rich quick schemes, but unfortunately, I'm not a dreamer.  I used to be, but life kinda slapped me in the face, you know...?

My father was a dreamer...that got him....absolutely nowhere.  If I considered my role model to be my father...this will be fun.  What I experienced from my father has hindered not only my dating experiences, but my relationship with my sisters as well as my friends.

definition:  example- n.  one that serves as a pattern to be imitated or not to be imitated  
 example
> example> 
You can guess which one my father is.
Some things I learned by example:

• I learned that some men cheat...with several people at once.  (Those don't deserve anyone's time of day)

• I learned never to trust anyone, not even your significant other. 

• I learned to never abuse anyone nor have an abusive (mentally OR physically) husband. 

• I learned not to be dependent financially or emotionally.  

• I learned about manipulation.

Some things I wish I had learned/received/experienced:

• How to have a healthy, successful relationship (affection)
• What a complete family feels like
• What a good parent is
• How to manage money
• Being assertive towards men
• How to change a tire, oil, etc. 

Well...basically all these 25 things.  


I give him credit for my good sense of direction when I'm driving.  And he also directly taught me one thing to look for in a man.  As he began to tell me, my heart just swelled up thinking "this is my daddy's first relationship advice to me!"

The one thing he told me over and over and over again is "when you meet a man, the most important thing is.....................  (here's where I thought)




.............WAIT FOR IT............




......................... to check his credit score." 


Go. Figure. 


Now that I've digressed...
Anyways, so yeah my mind goes through a million thoughts at once, all day long and I guess coming to bed doesn't make it any different.  I'm constantly trying to figure out how to slowly piece my life back together.  And lately it's just little (normal people) things, nothing like before.
But it all comes back to....the housing situation.  I just want...
This is such a first world problem.  I should be thankful I'm not on the streets and that I have more food than I did in my entire four years of high school. 

I think I'm done venting.  

Oh, yeah...I don't think I'll ever have cats and dogs.  Maybe one dog.  Outdoor dog.  A golden retriever.  Just maybe...

Now I'm done  :)



Have a loverly Thursday! 

XOXOXOXO

baci e abbracci,
               Esha