If I think back through all my life thus far, there are few extremely memorable years. I remember 2000 because of the amazing snowfall we got in Mississippi on the new millenium's New Year's Eve. I remember 2006 because I had my first boyfriend and was completely head over heels in love with him. On the down side, that same year my father was in jail. I remember 2007 because that was the year I lost my mother in a car accident the week of my birthday and later ended things with the boy that I absolutely adored. I remember 2009 because I felt the most genuine love and support from my classmates than I have ever felt. They voted me homecoming queen, and that I would have never thought I'd be in a million year. I remember 2010 because it was a year of many transitions and accomplishments. Many awards, another crown at prom and a speech at graduation...and leaving Mississippi for the first time ever for college. I also started medication for insomnia, ptsd, and a million other things. I really have a mini pharmacy. But all of those meds really messed with me. My concentration was gone, my sense of what I was doing, and many other debilitating issues. I'd drive and not have a clue why I was driving or where I was....
And then, in 2012...things that had fallen apart slowly began coming together. It started out an awful year. My health was severely compromised...I had a big fall over winter break and busted my face; that was the beginning of many emergency room visits. Later my ribs were fractured, my lung was punctured and therefore, bye bye Study Abroad in Australia. My sister and I had so much tension between us that I had nowhere to go, and I was in an unhealthy relationship. I took physics for the first time, at FAU and not Duke. I did a dental internship, and as much as I absolutely loved it and think I'd be really happy pursuing a career in dentistry, it took a toll on my back. Beginning the fall semester of my junior year, everything came crashing down on me.
And that...was my rock bottom.
The first moment things began to change was when the surgeon agreed that it was finally time to have back surgery. At the time I couldn't breathe because of my lungs being compressed by my spinal curvature, I couldn't sit in class without getting teary eyed and wondering how many more minutes I would have to tolerate the pain of sitting, and I could no longer do much physically...and dancing, running, working out is one of the biggest parts of and for my life, all of it: health, happiness, and most importantly, it keeps me sane.
Taking medical leave for the year was one of the best, but most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. But once school was out of the way I was able to focus on the one thing I pushed aside since 2006: Me. It was the first real break I had from work, from school, from life from the time of my fifteenth birthday.
Starting out doing essentially "nothing" was actually really difficult. I had a lot of time to think, and let me tell you, being consumed by your own thoughts for endless hours is not cathartic whatsoever. Also, I had a lot of time alone, but what really helped is that I started writing again, writing poetry and writing in this blog (as well as picking the piano back up). The thing about post traumatic stress disorder is that are some memories that you have and your body has processed it in a way that I can't begin to explain. For some it manifests as pain, for others, as psychological instability. And there are memories that we stay away from, we don't think about them, and for a reason I'm unsure of, we don't even know what they are. There are ways that therapists, psychiatrists, etc., deal with these repressed memories in order to help people through ptsd.
For me, it's writing. Sometimes in my blogs, there is an episode from my life that I write about and other times, I sum up in a nutshell everything that happened. But slowly things are coming back, and I am starting to remember a lot more, process a lot more, and hopefully will one day be able to put those things behind me.
I hope that by sharing my life in my writing that others will find it helpful and can discover ways to get through their struggles as well, whether it deals with relationships, family, friendships, education, career, mental health. Everyone has something. Now obviously if your idea of a struggle is not being able to buy that dress you've had your eye on for weeks or some petty problem like not getting the highest grade on some test, I most likely can't help you. But if it helps to have someone to relate to I'm here for anyone about anything because yes, I know what it's like to not have a clue where you're headed in life and how college can be both one of the best and one of the worst experiences of your life. I've been through the heartbreak of relationships and the struggles of keeping a friendship.
But I also know what it's like to lose a friend, I know what it's like to be neglected and abused, I know what it's like to be scared of going home. I know what it's like to lose a mother and to have no parents in my life anymore. I know what it feels like to have a medical disease or disability and how it feels to have hallucinations of people once part of your life. I know how debilitating depression can be and definitely know what's its like not having food in the house for days. I know how embarrassing it is to need welfare and have some people look down on you. I have experienced enough sibling drama to last me a life time (obviously, though, my sisters now are the two most important, amazing people in my life).
Sure, we all experience all these things a little different, but sometimes I remember I felt like no one in the world could ever even begin to understand me. I felt alone (and not in the sense of being alone) and scared, scared of what was next. It never seemed to stop. I felt like I could not have been handed any more bad luck and then something would go wrong. I would get that rare problem or complication. I even got to the point before surgery of writing letters to the people I loved, my sisters...just in case. Yes, I did have minor complications post surgery, but nothing as bad as it could have been. And I was lucky.
From surgery on, I've still had my ups and downs, but more importantly, I've had the time to focus on myself and getting better and processing all that has happened. And I cannot tell you how much different I feel already.
The other day, I remember saying that I wish I got the little things, like the flu, or strep, or even migraines instead of being diagnosed with something serious at every visit. Well...I got it. So I'm sitting in bed with a fever for a few days. I took a little time off work and all I need to do is take care of whatever illness this may be. And for some strange reason, I am so happy. Maybe this is a turning point in my life. Perhaps from now on, other than my Scheurmann's disease and lumbar DDD, it will only be the small stuff. That's what I am hoping at least. My sisters have been amazing and so supportive during this whole surgery recovery, and I couldn't be more thankful to have them still. The older one flew to North Carolina before surgery, stayed and took care of me for two weeks! And my friends...OH, they've been so wonderful. Some sat next to me in the hospital almost all the time from before my surgery at 5 in the morning and over the week hospital stay. Then the ones from back in Mississippi, the love and care they give me...I couldn't ask for better friends.
So before this blog either ends up being really long or has a million different things off topic, I want to say thank you.
Love Always,
Esha
No comments:
Post a Comment